|Early spring, 2012|
I'm writing this note because I came across a few things tonight. Tonight, I was going down my timeline. I was looking at the posts I made in the past. I remembered that this profile I use, isn't even my profile. It reminded me of an incident that forced me to switch my profile. Friend of mine made a fake profile to stalk other people , and I took it. And that friend of mine was just a friend back then, she isn't now (and it makes me happy).
Every now and then I look back at how things were. My old books, a diary which I tried to write regularly, old emails, chats and parts of my Facebook profile. Every time there's a vacation, like this semester break, I get reminded of the holidays after the school got over. Preparation for the board examinations, the days I spent stuck in home. Even though I was always sort of a homesick guy, I felt a bit stuck at home. And there were these periods after the exams got over. Prolonged periods of joblessness. I went to beds when the birds were chirping, woke up when sun started reddening. Aimlessness; I felt like I was drunk. The computer stayed on all day, the same songs played in loops. I was sad, lonely, lazy and stupid.
Yes, I was kinda' stupid and at times, I even laugh at how I was and the things I did. When I look back to the last two-three years, I feel like I was pretty stupid. The last couple of years of school; I don't remember much of it. I do sometimes enjoy reading what people write on their notes on Facebook as they left school behind. They left the school behind, but not the memories. I tried to leave my memories behind. I've tried pretty hard. Now,when I look back, things are pretty blurred. The entire school life, for me,seems to have blurred out a lot. I was looking at my report cards from junior and high school this evening. "Rangan is capable of doing better", "Not up to the mark", "A very reserved child", and there were others too. I was not excellent and there was a cousin who reminded me of that every second. I knew I never tried that hard with my studies. Mom said I was not a sincere boy, I wasn't studious. Later, I knew that it was motivation, I lacked the motivation.
A couple of years back, when I thought that I had the motivation to do better and tried to do my best by hanging on to it, I did a mistake. Yes, I was hurt. I wept like a child every night, but I guess something good came out of it eventually. I remember this dialog from a Batman movie: "Why do we fall, sir? So that we might learn to pick ourselves up." I don't know if I grew up or I became a wiser person after I left school behind, but I do know that now, I can pick myself up. Now, I know that being alone doesn't mean being lonely anymore. Now, I have friends, just a few of them but ones I can count upon. Now I am a happier person. I am still as lazy as before though.
Thanks to the girl who was just a friend of mine back then.